I Planned a Quiet Night In. I Didn’t Plan to Fall Apart.
There’s no hiding when the room is silent
My phone just died!
I plug it in and anxiously wait for it to charge, hoping for that tiny 0.009% that gives the battery the fuel to start again. The wait is excruciating! But after what feels like centuries, it reaches the point of no return. The phone restarts, and it hits me. No buzz. No new messages. No “How are you keeping up?”
It’s just... me. In my apartment. No music, no shows, no activities. If I listen closely, I can almost hear the air whooshing by my ears. It’s all silent. But it isn’t peaceful. It’s almost like the Universe plays a little prank on me. It’s pointed!
I start chatting with my plants as if they’re my special guests. I gaze at the couch like it's my best friend, the one I’ve lost touch with and don’t quite recognize anymore.
The weirdest part is that I actually planned this night in!
Now all that's left is me and my pain, wrapped around the quiet walls that ask me in turn if I’m doing okay. All the rooms feel like they’ve transformed into mirrors, just for me, to see myself better and to make sure I don’t miss an angle.
That was me several years ago, after a tough breakup to which I dedicated several years that felt like a wild mix of bliss and emotional terror.
I was so scared of being alone!
And that’s because it came as a combo with loneliness. It wasn’t just alone time. It was the leftover mental disruptions. My core introverted personality went through some repeated earthquakes, leaving me to gather pieces from all over the place.
I remember back in high school and throughout my teenage years, I was just like I am now. An introvert, happily tucked away in the back of the classroom, feeling a wave of relief when nobody asked me anything. During breaks, my classmates would rush around, fully embracing their teenage personalities: screaming, pulling pranks, and throwing flirty glances at one another, the whole package!
Oh, how I longed for some alone time. If only I could just disappear from those active settings, it would have been pure bliss!
But no, that time spent alone in my apartment… that core part of me was buried under a pile of rubble somewhere, just waiting to be rescued.
That night, I realized I didn’t want to be alone and lonely…
Why being alone feels like failure
How did my mind translate “Being alone (and lonely),” you might ask? Here are the translated pieces:
→ “You must’ve messed up somehow.”
→ “You didn't try hard enough.”
→ “People don’t like you.”
→ “People don’t call you.”
→ “Nobody chooses you.”
→ “You’re not worth being around.”
It’s called brutal math! It’s a silly computation we do in our heads. As if the number of people in the room equals your value, right? We tend to treat loneliness as a verdict or a label: UNLOVABLE. UNDESIRABLE. LEFT OUT. Pick the one you want!
But here’s the question I kept circling back to, while I was staring at that silly couch that day: “What if silence is an invitation to find myself?”
And that’s exactly what I started to do from that moment on!
But, look! Silence isn’t the absence of things!
You have so many things around (no need to talk back) and your own delightful company!
Why is this bad?
The message
Because, for most people, solitude can be inconvenient.
It demands your attention!
And that attention uncovers everything you’ve been trying to keep fuzzy.
That fuzzy part is the only person you avoid talking to your entire life!
It's YOU!
Learning to sit with it
I rediscovered how it is to be alone but never lonely!
First step → I stopped treating it like a threat.
I first started to keep a journal. It took me 2 days, and then I dropped it. I can’t do it. It’s just not for me!
That became clear, so I stopped doing it.
I’ve learned to be more present with everything around me!
Second step → I stopped filling every empty moment with noise.
Stillness. Observation. Contemplation. I can’t meditate, so instead, I just sit and observe things, question myself, try new perspectives, new angles, and flip things around.
I think about what I see, curious about what my mind can come up with.
Third step → I started to give myself permission.
Laughing alone? Talking to myself out loud? Sure, why not!?
If somebody sees me, I already know my label: yes, a Woo-Woo!
But I like to think that in the real world, it won’t be the case. At least nobody has said anything other than, “You’re the most mentally balanced person I know.”
That’s a nice compliment, right?
Solitude feels honest when you dive into it.
And through this process, I discovered I can own it!
From lonely to real
Alone doesn’t always mean lonely. Not always, at least! And lonely doesn’t always mean broken!
You’re not alone because no one wants you. You’re alone because your attention has been so outward-facing that you forgot what your own voice sounds like.
There’s no shame in that!
I don’t feel the need to fill the space to occupy my mind.
I don’t fill my time with meditation, I don’t try to be more productive with endless habits, and I’ve stopped doing inner child work. I know I’m a child at heart who has just matured. Now I can act like a child sometimes and not feel bad about it. My inner child and I are just friends!
I don’t look back to the past to find answers. It’s pointless because it’s done, it’s finished, and it’s a place you can’t return to! I’m all focused on what I have in front of me and the plans I have (if I’m lucky enough to see them accomplished).
You’re alone because something inside you has been trying to speak... so, just give it a voice!
And the noise will finally stop!
Final Push
Quiet can be a little scary, I know!
But it’s also so wonderfully insightful!
If you’re curious to see what it might bring, why not give it a try? No harm guaranteed!
The version of you that sits in silence is the one that holds all the answers.
So, why not listen to it?
I did!
And it’s incredibly liberating!
Until next time, stay steady!
Valle
P.S. How about you?
Have you made friends with yourself?
What have you discovered?
I’d love to hear your thoughts down below!
I have dates with myself. With a warm oil bath and candles. Then I tell myself what I appreciate about her friendship. During Covid lockdown I was in heaven, because I didn't have to see anyone. I am so happy you found your lovely self. <3
Oooh, Covid times! That was a great period indeed (apart from the damage it did to the world). For me, it was also a blissful time. Really, it was exactly how I always wanted the world to be - quiet, with people minding their own lives, empty streets, and remote working. All the good stuff! Just the other day, my partner mentioned that he misses that time too, and we were both kind of sobbing over it. 😄 And yes, it's wonderful to be able to enjoy your own company! Glad you take time for it too! 🤍